I’m thrilled that my depression has suddenly and miraculously gotten TONS better. It’s great, but it leaves me realizing I still have a lot of trauma stuff to work on. The past week or so, I’ve really been making an effort to find a trauma therapist, as the therapist I’m seeing through my treatment program is nice but, erm, totally useless when it comes to trauma and DID.
But it’s proving EXTREMELY difficult to find one. It seems everyone who takes my insurance doesn’t have any openings for new patients, or if they take my insurance and have openings, they have no experience with trauma and DID. I don’t want to be anyone’s DID Test Case.
Normally this would just be frustrating, but I’ve started to hear myself thinking, “The reason you can’t find a trauma therapist is that you don’t have any trauma. You don’t have PTSD or DID at all. You just made all that up for attention and sympathy and so you had a good excuse for doing nothing with your life and being a useless drain on society.”
The crazy thing is, those thoughts are directly related to my abuse! These are the things my family tells me so they don’t have to face their parts in what happened to me. I know this, on some level, but it’s not making those thoughts go away. I kind of suspect it’s coming from someone in another part of my system, but I’m not sure. (Yet another reason why I need therapy: the DID has never been dealt with, and I have no idea what I’m doing on my own.)
I guess I just need to put it out there that, just because my depression is so much better, that doesn’t mean everything is all rainbows and butterflies.