Even For People Like Us

There can always be new beginnings, even for people like us.

–Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5

 

I’m starting to think (cautiously) that Deplin may be my magic bullet.  (Knock on wood.)

I’d given up even hoping for one.  I’d been on every psych med under the sun, plus the ECT, and I was researching neurosurgical options (DBS and VNS).  I barely saw a point in seeing a psychiatrist because I was sure he had no more idea of what to do with me than the last 732 psychiatrists I’d seen.  Even when he identified the MTHFR polymorphism and put me on the Deplin, I didn’t think it would work any more than all the other psych meds I’ve taken.

It took about a week to kick in, but after that–dear god, is this what it’s like to feel normal?  I feel peaceful, happy, and it doesn’t evaporate.  I have energy.  I’m motivated to do stuff.  Even the urges to binge are gone.  I’ve been researching volunteer work, and I’m visiting a dojo tomorrow night.

Obviously, there are still issues.  I have a lot of PTSD/DID stuff to deal with.  I need to find a good therapist to help me with that–still haven’t heard back from New Therapist, so I’m going to assume she’s not coming back to work.  I’m still losing significant amounts of time and have very little internal communication, so that needs work.

But all this stuff is going to be SO much easier to deal with when I’m not trapped under crushing depression.  This is fucking AMAZING.  I’ve never felt this way for more than maybe a day, tops.  Even when I was doing really well at Riggs, there was still that overwhelming depression and the urge to self-destruct.  And now there’s not.  It’s beyond great.

There’s still that niggling part of myself whispering that it might not last, but it’s not the loudest voice anymore.  I’ll take what I can get.