I told Pseudo-Therapist a computer could do her job at least as well as she does. I told her I was sick of getting nothing from her but noncommittal noises and canned, pseudo-empathetic responses. I told her I was sick of being nice and pretending like Windhorse was helping just so that other people would feel better. I told her I was sick of being asked what would help because I don’t know–said I can’t do their job AND mine. I told her I didn’t care how she felt.
I feel like I should feel either guilty or relieved, or possibly both. Instead, I want to keep on. I want to hurt her. I also feel like I should feel guilty about that, but I don’t. I just feel like destroying someone other than myself. And I don’t know what to do with that–the information or the feeling.
And right now I’m skipping the knitting group I run. I will not destroy people, even if I don’t feel guilty about that impulse [yet]. But also I want someone to care enough to notice and ask if I’m okay–partly so I can be an ass to them like I was to Pseudo-Therapist, but partially because I still desperately want to believe that someone can help me.
I’m not sure I make any sense right now.
I feel like someone should kick me in the ass and tell me no one can save me, or even help me–but that probably is at least partly my masochism. It’s not true that no one can help me or that I’m unreachable. My therapist in Boston was helpful. My therapist at Riggs was helpful. I’ve been tearing my brain apart trying to figure what it was I had at Riggs that I don’t have here. Therapeutic alliance, yes–but what’s missing here that makes it so hard for me to build that alliance? Part of it is that I feel like no one wants to be present with my shitty feelings. They’re all about problem-solving and doing functional things. Those are good things to do, but not when they’re used to avoid being present with pain. I feel like they’re afraid of me, and if they’re afraid of me, I can’t trust them enough to establish an alliance.
But concretely, I have no idea. I cannot define for them what it is to be present with me when I’m feeling badly because it’s more than just sitting in the same room and staying awake. I just can’t define it any more specifically than that.
I’m so frustrated I’m in tears. I don’t know what to do.