The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Therapeutic Alliance and Lashing Out February 21, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 9:41 pm
Tags: , , ,

I told Pseudo-Therapist a computer could do her job at least as well as she does.  I told her I was sick of getting nothing from her but noncommittal noises and canned, pseudo-empathetic responses.  I told her I was sick of being nice and pretending like Windhorse was helping just so that other people would feel better.  I told her I was sick of being asked what would help because I don’t know–said I can’t do their job AND mine.  I told her I didn’t care how she felt.

I feel like I should feel either guilty or relieved, or possibly both.  Instead, I want to keep on.  I want to hurt her.  I also feel like I should feel guilty about that, but I don’t.  I just feel like destroying someone other than myself.  And I don’t know what to do with that–the information or the feeling.

And right now I’m skipping the knitting group I run.  I will not destroy people, even if I don’t feel guilty about that impulse [yet].  But also I want someone to care enough to notice and ask if I’m okay–partly so I can be an ass to them like I was to Pseudo-Therapist, but partially because I still desperately want to believe that someone can help me.

I’m not sure I make any sense right now.

I feel like someone should kick me in the ass and tell me no one can save me, or even help me–but that probably is at least partly my masochism.  It’s not true that no one can help me or that I’m unreachable.  My therapist in Boston was helpful.  My therapist at Riggs was helpful.  I’ve been tearing my brain apart trying to figure what it was I had at Riggs that I don’t have here.  Therapeutic alliance, yes–but what’s missing here that makes it so hard for me to build that alliance?  Part of it is that I feel like no one wants to be present with my shitty feelings.  They’re all about problem-solving and doing functional things.  Those are good things to do, but not when they’re used to avoid being present with pain.  I feel like they’re afraid of me, and if they’re afraid of me, I can’t trust them enough to establish an alliance.

But concretely, I have no idea.  I cannot define for them what it is to be present with me when I’m feeling badly because it’s more than just sitting in the same room and staying awake.  I just can’t define it any more specifically than that.

I’m so frustrated I’m in tears.  I don’t know what to do.

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4 Responses to “Therapeutic Alliance and Lashing Out”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that today went badly. I know you already know that help comes from within. No one can actually save you but yourself. (I think we all learn that the hard way). I’m sad to hear you suffering…can you find a new therapist? She sounds rather useless, the one you see now.

    I hope this evening is peaceful for you.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I refer to her as Pseudo-Therapist because I fired her a while back. She works with the treatment program I’m in, and we’re not a good match. I found an outside therapist–took weeks to find someone with trauma experience who took my insurance and was accepting new patients. Then 2 weeks into therapy with New Therapist, she had a sudden, major medical issue and is on indefinite leave. I’m trying to find someone else, but it’s difficult because I live in a mostly rural area.

      • ligeandcrew Says:

        Don’t know which one of you this is, or if you’d rather speak as a collective – but either way it’s okay.

        I’ll listen if you want to talk, and so will Jack.
        Oh, Celia will too. of course, but she’s more the fix-it type. Jack can be, a little bit.
        Me, I just know life really bites sometimes, and there’s no making it better right away, and sometimes you just need to talk and be listened to.
        So if you don’t that’s okay, but if you do, I’m here.
        – Dodge.

  2. weordmyndum Says:

    Dodge, I think I’d like to talk if you’re up for it. Shoot us an e-mail or something.


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