I broke a glass today and cut my finger.
Me being clumsy is not terribly out of the ordinary, but I’ve taken it to a new level lately. The more dissociative I am, the clumsier I become. And I’ve been dissociating a lot lately.
The cutting my finger is also bad. It was not intentional, but I’ve been dealing with a lot of urges to self-harm lately. Comes with the depression. Hurting myself accidentally makes the urges even stronger. The frustrating this is that I know self-harming would numb the pain–for a while. Yeah, it would come back, and once I’ve started cutting, it’s hard for me to stop. That is not a cycle I want to get back into.
It just really sucks because nothing else is helping.
I need to think about finding a new therapist. There is no guarantee that New Therapist is coming back, and even if she does, it won’t be for another several weeks. It’ll take a while to get used to a new therapist, but once I do get used to someone new, therapy will probably help. It usually does. I just can’t keep sitting around hoping that New Therapist will be able to come back because I’m not okay right now. I need therapy, and I need to know that my therapist will be there. It’s not New Therapist’s fault she’s not here; medical illnesses can’t usually be scheduled. But it still leaves me without a therapist.
In other news, I started knitting a doll. Several of the kids in my system have been more present lately. I’m not sure who, but someone really wants a doll. I can’t afford to buy one, so I’m knitting one. It won’t be the prettiest thing in the world, but I hope it will make whoever it is that wants it happy.